By Tango I mean my dancing skills, and maybe even the “dance of life” more generally, not so much the specific dance called the tango. I actually fell in love with my wife at a Sadie Hawkins dance. We were both seventeen. She asked me to go with her because I was incredibly shy, shyer than Michael Jackson when he’s not on stage or Norman Bates when he’s not knifing someone. At the time our high school gym was being renovated, so the administration rented an abandoned Kmart not far from a toxic waste dump and set up a makeshift dancehall. Though the foul odors throughout the building and parking lot made us unbelievably nauseous, nothing could stop the blossoming of young love. Admittedly, when she took my hand and invited me out on the floor, I was hesitant, only in part because I wasn’t a huge Spandau Ballet fan. In truth, I had danced only one time previously: when as a kid I had to urinate but neither opportunity nor receptacle presented itself. I would “dance” this weird jig, which involved holding my schnarzle and sort of running in place with a frantic look on my face. Come to think of it, this situation arose more than once. Be that as it may, I couldn’t dance worth beans. That all changed when I went to dancing college and picked up an MA in dancography. My thesis was on dirty dancing with half the chapters alone devoted to grinding.
Finally Foxtrot refers metaphorically to my lifelong passion for hunting. This is a strange activity for a vegetarian (in the post-KFC period of my life), I suppose. I don't eat venison or beef. The buck, moose, and drake need not fear me. When I'm in the woods I'm usually in a drunken stupor and dancing in just my birthday suit, not wielding a gun or perched on a tree stand. No. The chipmunk and raccoon are my friends. I hunt exclusively blue falcons because you can easily find them. In fact, they’re really the opposite of an endangered species: they’re an augmented species, if you will. Because of overpopulation, it’s okay and advisable to take them out. Usually a good smack will do the trick. And you don't have to go out into the Great Outdoors, though you can find many of them on a canoe trip, for instance. Other areas they frequent include the workplace during layoffs, the military during a work detail, or any place where a patron leaves a gratuity.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! There you have it. Chances are, if you approach me, I’ll have these words on my lips....in a way.