Thursday, September 20, 2012

Doktor Rektum, I Presume?

Dr. Richard Rektum is a good friend of mine.  I’ve known Dick since high school.  He’d always be the guy thinking about the future, full of ambition and always dreaming.  In fact, he was voted mostly likely to succeed, very fitting given his successful career as a proctologist.  He’s a great guy.  He has no issues whatsoever.  To the contrary, he’s charming and gracious.  He also possesses a great sense of humor and loves to laugh.  If I were pressed to think of a fault, I’d say that he sometimes can be a bit anal about stuff, but that’s being nitpicky.  The problem appears to be his name.  It’s almost spelled like the word rectum, and it’s pronounced the same.  A few thoughtful people go out of their way to avoid the pronunciation, saying Rektoom or Rektome.  Dick usually corrects them: "It’s actually pronounced Rektum, as in rectum." However, most people ridicule Dick. I’m sure that readers of this blog, upon seeing the title of the piece, thought I was violating one of the blog’s rules, which forbids the use of the word rectum unless I’m employing it in the context of scientific advancement.  No, I just wanted to register my disgust for people’s insensitivity and prejudice.  Frankly, I find it unfortunate that people can dismiss my friend Dick Rektum or look at him askance merely on the basis of his name.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Gina and Me

Whenever Gina and I go out for dinner, we inevitably become the talk of the town the next day.  It’s not a mystery why.  Gina is sexy and loves to tease the paparazzi in her skimpy black dress.  I’ll never know why she chose to hang out with me.  I’m nothing special.  She could have any guy. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see Gina; at other times I see me, her boring counterpart.  That’s how close we are!  I’m generally a calm, collected person, but when I’m around her and feel her skin next to mine, I lose control and turn into a sexual fiend.  When she puts on all that lipstick, wears those coquettish eyes, and plays those silly games, I’m no longer myself.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012


I'm proud of my eldest daughter, Erika.  She's starting classes this week at UW-Madison.  She got accepted to the business school.  She works as a waitress by night and studies hard by day.  We don't spend much time together these days, as she's busy and has a significant other.  This bums me out a bit, but I know she's doing the Lord's work, as it were.  For good or ill, she's inherited my caustic persona and maverick sensibility.