Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Thanks but No Thanks

I personally want to thank you, dear reader, for your loyal perusal of this blog’s contents.  We’ve enjoyed a special relationship these past two years.  We’ve laughed together, cried together—albeit somewhat asynchronously.  You have graciously considered my “musings,” even when they ventured into dark waters; moreover, you have commented on the blog with your witty and thoughtful feedback.  I must concede, though, that I’ve found your critical spirit a bit vexing.  Even as I write these words, I can feel your haughty glare penetrating my soul—and I don’t appreciate it.

Why do look upon me with such derision and disgust?  I know what you’re thinking.  What’s that?  You say I have a disturbed mind?  That I repulse you?  That in spite of my perspicacity, I’m a perturbed and paranoid person?  Well, how dare you, sir (or ma’am)!  Clearly today is “Hate Der Viator Day.”  Admittedly, I am unaware of such a holiday, but evidently, you are, and you seem to celebrate it with gusto (and no doubt frequently).  Tell me, reader.  Do you get some kind of psychotic thrill, a tingle up your leg, from unrelenting attacks on my character and everything I stand for?  Am I such a vile, loathsome creature to you?  Yeah?  Why do you delight, little man (or woman), in bringing me down to your level like a Saddam Hussein statue in Baghdad’s Firdos Square?  Do my metaphors no longer entice you as perhaps they once did?  I’ll give you credit for phenomenal multitasking skills: You’ve managed to excoriate, castigate, crucify, immolate, and blackball me in one fell swoop.  Congrats!  You’ve carved out a secure place in the I Hate Der Viator Book of World Records.  What?  No, you calm down, damn it!

Look, I don’t know how we got off on the wrong foot.  I mean, we’ve been a great team, you and I.  I write the words.  You read the words, over coffee in the morning, a great boost to your day.  Everyone has a great time.  If only this screen didn’t separate us so cruelly!  I’d love to enjoy social intercourse with you over Gentleman Jack on the rocks in a lowball glass.  We’d while away the hours in pleasant conversation—the blogger and his reader united at least.  Unfortunately, the disdainful look in your eyes, coupled with a tendentious desire to trip me up on some point of detail about world culture or history, would taint what could otherwise have been a wonderful tête-à-tête.  Thanks but no thanks.