Monday, May 9, 2011


Many people don’t know this, but the first women arrived on Earth in a spaceship about 10,000 years ago.  Were it not for these soft-skinned creatures, our ancestors would not have multiplied exponentially.  This demographic explosion in turn led to the “Neolithic Revolution,” namely the development of agriculture and the domestication of animals, necessary ingredients in the birth of civilization.  Frankly, I never bought into the previous theory: that genetic material on meteorites brought the ladies to a grateful world some 20 million years ago.  (Moreover, I always thought it sucked that early man had to wait so long before the female could evolve sufficiently in order to mate.)  Until their arrival, the recreational activities of Paleolithic man—and I do mean man—included carving his tool and gathering his nuts.  The invention of sports and beer was still a long way off, leaving these cave dwellers bored out of their gourd.  Apart from the gay community, which of course formed about 10% of the pre-historic population, most of these spear-wielding primates weren’t particularly keen on sodomy, which was all the rage back then.  Moreover, they were running around like chickens without a head, lacking spirituality, devoid of laughter, and almost always scratching their crotch in public.  Spurning the gregarious behavior of their simian cousins, these ancient men were obdurate, stone-faced, and kept it bottled up inside.  The arrival of women came like a breath of fresh northern air, just as the Glacial Age was coming to an end.   You might say that as the ice caps begin to melt, so did men’s hearts.  The rest is history.