Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Living Inside Cory's Anus

You’re a much smaller version of yourself living in Cory’s anus. You’re microscopic. Trust me, I don’t think it’s pleasant either, but that’s the hand you’re dealt. It’s the scenario we’re working with here. What would you do? How would you survive? Why Cory’s anus, you ask? Who cares? What does it matter? You’re inside an anus for crying out loud! I need not remind you. An anus is an anus. It’s not like you’re going to look around and say, “Hmmm, why do I have to be inside Cory’s anus?” No, you’ll just be bummed that you’re in an anus, any anus, this here anus.  It doesn't matter how one looks from the outside, or what gender someone is.   The scenery, I should think, is roughly the same inside each person.  For the record, Cory’s a friend of mine, and I picked him at random, okay?  Granted, he eats a lot of beef, but he works it off as a farmhand.  Now let’s move on. 

First off, you’ll have to ration out any food you’ve brought with you, because you don’t know how long you’ll be inside here and indeed whether you’ll ever get out. Once your food runs out or if you didn’t bring any, you’ll have to learn how to live off the “land.” Problem is, you’ll probably waste too much time and energy asking how the hell you got into Cory’s anus when you could be out foraging. But if you can stay focused, you’re survival instincts will kick in.  Try as best you can to get your mind off the fact that you're stuck inside Cory's anus; otherwise, defeatism will infect your resolve.  Tell yourself that you're in the Caribbean or on the Virgin Islands.  Easier said than done, I know.

Now, if you’ve gathered food and even found a way to ignite some of the gases that continually pass through the area in order to cook it over a fire, you will have overcome your first test of endurance. On the downside, everything you eat inevitably reeks of Cory’s anus. In time, I presume, you’ll get used to the taste and the smell. It will take time to adjust to your new surroundings, however. A week? A month? A year? It depends on various factors: the nature of the anus, your exact location in the anus, the level of your resourcefulness, and just plain luck. But do not get too discouraged, for you have already figured out how to feed yourself in these circumstances. Normally you shouldn’t rest on your laurels, but you'll need to take solace in your accomplishments and build up confidence.  You can do this!