Monday, October 4, 2010

At the Store

So the other day I’m at the store, right? I grab a “snack” off the shelf and proceed to the checkout counter. You could be in Wal-Mart, Target or wherever, and it’s always the same story. Only a couple of the checkout counters have their light on and you must decide which is the best line to get into. At this point I do a mental calculus in my primate brain. For instance, last night three of the eight checkouts were open and each had one or two shoppers in line. What I do is base my decision first on gender and then on age. For instance, if line A consists of a middle-aged or old lady, I’ll avoid it like the plague, and move on and choose the next line. She’ll be pulling out every coupon known to man and taking her sweet time. If line B has a male, preferably a young male, then that’s my destination. Don’t call me a sexist, okay? It’s just a basic fact of life: women in general, and “mature” women in particular, take longer in the process of buying their goods. Most males get their underarm, tube socks, Red Bull and hustle their way through the checkout.

Anyway, I’ve learned my lesson not to depart from this time-honored wisdom. I mistakenly thought an old couple were just about finished with their purchase, so I got in line behind them. Harold and Martha, I swear, were moving at glacial speed just to spite me. The old woman was digging into her purse for this and that. The old man felt compelled to be chatty with the checkout girl. Do that on your own time, asswipe. Come on people! I got places to go, things to see. I admit that I’m usually in a hurry and rather impatient, more a congenital defect than reaction to circumstances. And what was it that I was buying? Those who know me are aware of my one weakness: peanut M&Ms. I had a craving for them—somethin’ fierce, I tells ya. Heck, I’d wipe out an entire village of elderly men, women and children if they stood between me and that precious yellow bag. Don’t judge me. We all have our kryptonite. Once I got home I tore into those suckers like a ravenous wolf and satisfied my wanton lust for chocolate.