Saturday, May 1, 2010

Editorial Note

April proved to be a rather grim month in terms of blog topics. What gives? The weather was wonderful, the tulips superb, and the afternoon showers soothing. Yet I’m afraid I expended too much energy on death and dying, depression, genocide, and the meaninglessness of life. It’s like grey skies muscled their way into my sunny disposition, you know? The irony is so thick I could cut it with my Ka-Bar combat knife. The month of May’s gonna be different. I’ve got plenty of uplifting stories about horses, walks through the park, hanging out with friends at the community center, debating relish or mustard for my Kraut Dog at Wienerschitzel, my crazy cats, a couple of dollars I found in pants pockets while doing the laundry, and ten interesting things about puppet shows.

Let me take this time to answer at least a few letters from you, dear readers. Kevin from Tallahassee, Florida expresses concern that Der Viator interweaves the sublime and the mundane. “I appreciate the reflections on the human condition and gain insights from your historical analyses, but must you subject me to your asinine musings on the word fart or walk me through your battle with hemorrhoids in agonizing detail every other blog?” Similarly, Melanie of Wisconsin complains about some of my scatological utterances. “Asswipe is a vulgar word, just as bad as the C-word.” It would be juvenile of me to point out the irony in your usage of the word, Melanie, or whatever your real name is. I'm not sure what you mean by the C-word (carny?), but your reference to me as a prick in the heading of your letter speaks volumes about your own sense of decorum, does it not? Oddly enough, one of our Persian Gulf readers, Ibrahim of Bahrain, writes that it’s precisely words like asswipe that drew him to this blog in the first place. When I read contradictory letters like these, I just shrug and smile. You can’t please everyone! But Der Viator is an equal opportunity blogger and deems some of your requests reasonable. I retain the right to utter butt, rectum, ass, anal canal, and even fart; but henceforth asswipe, as well as the ill-chosen epithet dick-brain (except in a scientific context) will no longer appear on this site, with one exception below.

Quentin from Port Dalhousie, Canada writes: "It's a privilege to write you, Mr. Viator.  Your stories and insights have touched me deeply, and your sagacity is matched perhaps only by your perspicacity.  God forbid that we should ever lose you, but if you were to die, I think Willbald Pirckheimer's epitaph for Albrecht Dürer would be fitting: Whatever was mortal of Der Viator lies buried beneath this tomb."  Thanks, Quentin, I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm nothing special and I've always striven to walk in humility.  For the record, though, it's Dr. Viator, not Mr.

Brianna had some unkind words to say: "What kind of purverse solipsistic hell are you living in to pretend that readers are reading your blog and writing letters to you?  In all due respect, Der Viator, while I think you're amazing, you must be the most narcissistic person in the world.  Where do you get such an ego?"  Thanks Brianna for the comments.  Please don't think me unkind if I point out a couple things to you.  First, you misspelled the word perverse.  If you're going to write Der Viator you should either consult a dictionary (a handy tool indeed) or at the least obtain a GED.  Second, the fact that you're writing me about this alleged fabrication and that I'm now displaying it for all my readers to see shows indisputably that my readership is not a hoax.  In all due respect, Ms. Michaelson (yes, I know your last name thanks to my black ops), if I were your school principal I'd rightfully have you write I will not be an asswipe on the chalkboard one hundred times.