I soiled myself today. It’s the fourth time this week, and the problem’s not getting any better. Do I have too much fiber in my diet? Nope. Are my bowels weakened by age or fancy living? I don’t think so. Am I making too much of this? Maybe. Back in the day, I’d soil myself only at the movie theater during an especially intense or scary scene. Nowadays I’m relieving myself at other venues: the public library, choir practice, church service, daughter’s high school graduation, and the list goes on. People always ask why I keep wet wipes in the glove compartment of my car, my knapsack, or even in my back pocket. They also inquire as to why I go to the laundromat so often. Now you know. Please. If you somehow detect that I've once again soiled myself, do not bring it to my attention. I'll be embarrassed enough without you making an issue out of it.