Tuesday, February 9, 2010

People to Avoid

  • Anyone who employs the word so in an expression of gratitude, as in "Thank you so much!"
  • Any dude who wears Speedos, let alone thongs, with the possible exception of these two fine Aryan specimens, who strike me as exceedingly handsome and indeed a credit to their race.
  • People who broadcast what they don't like with bumper stickers.
  • Anybody without self-cognizance and humility.
  • People who use demeaning terms of endearment like sweetheart, dear, and honey.
  • People who engage in ostensible dialogue with others but who are really delivering a soliloquy.
  • My uncle Willard when he's milking the cows.
  • Those who see things in black and white.
  • Those who see the greys in life and are indecisive and pusillanimous.
  • The entire town of Harloweville, Alabama.
  • People with an axe to grind, who grind their teeth at night, or who like to grind on the dance floor.
  • Those with violent tendencies (who in my opinion should be taken out and shot).
  • A drunkard at a bar mitzvah.
  • Intolerant people.
  • People who fancy themselves tolerant of all other viewpoints.
  • People who talk about their ailments all the time.
  • Murderers and rapists.
  • That guy with an unctuous smile who seems overly friendly and who always seems to be bumping into you "by chance" in the fruit section of the grocery store.
  • Any male who uses the word cute.
  • Crazed warmongers and mindless pacifists.
  • Someone who employs the word frickin' at the beginning of every other sentence.
  • Hillbillies on a canoe trip.
  • Hillbillies in general.
  • Those monstrosities who wear their heart on their sleeve, are all thumbs, and, lest you think I'm being metaphorical, their face looks like a butt.
  • People who use the word lest.
  • Me.
  • People who don't think it's funny when you make a reference to having sex with chimpanzees, even if the context and delivery made it clear that you were joking and you've since then apologized for this indiscretion over and over.
  • College professors or adjuncts who use the classroom as a vehicle to propagate their partisan viewpoints and denigrate others, implicitly or explicitly.
  • People with short-term memory loss, including people with short-term memory loss.
  • People whose fake British accent is virtually the same as their fake Australian accent.
  • Males who've read or watched Twilight on their own initiative.
  • Anyone who thinks Edward is hotter than Jacob.  No way.
  • Those who grab their crotch or pick their nose or who simultaneously grab their crotch and pick their nose in a public setting.
  • Anyone who uses the word rectum when they really mean anus, and vice-versa.