(1) In the best of all possible worlds murderers and rapists would get the death penalty.
(2) I’ve never made love to a manikin and have always lacked self-assurance; yet somehow I know this would be good.
(3) It’s not about agreeing with people, but accepting them for who they are and respecting those who might disagree with you; and I have found that the best way to accept and respect these people is to round them up systematically and place them in reeducation centers.
(4) I want not only the best of both worlds, but perhaps a third world too, provided that this third world is not codeword for penis, as in the expression third leg, which I happen to know is often a reference to the penis.
(5) I trust my fellow man completely, but, just in case, I carry a concealed firearm when I go camping, have a truncheon I call The Persuader strapped clandestinely to my shin, and keep a small stockpile of sharp objects under my car seat.
(6) One way to make the world a better place is not to assume yellow snow is lemonade slush.
(7) Finding the razor’s edge between dogmatism and skepticism is like taking a crap in the woods: be mindful of the dangers that lurk on all sides.
(8) Stamping out evil in the world starts with the gift of discernment and a machete.
(9) If you despise your Russian communist neighbor but wish to be cordial, tell him you’d like to give him a Stolypin necktie for his birthday and share a Molotov cocktail with him.
(10) If you love someone, you should tell this person how you feel, provided you’re not a priest directing those three magical words to a child as you’re coming out of the shower.
(11) War is never the answer, but it is the proper response to most of life’s problems.
(12) If I had a nickel for every person who gave me grief, I’d dump the large sacks of coins onto the floor of my cabin, smelt the metal alloy, and fashion a pistol to assuage my grieving heart.
(13) Pitching a tent is like erecting a monument; both take physical labor and make you wonder what’s really going on.
(14) I’ve never met a black or Jew I didn’t like, and I despise racists, with of course the exception of black and Jewish racists.
(15) My sorrows have not only learned to resist efforts at drowning them; they pull me toward the depths below, and only my hope for something above the heavens serves as ballast.
(16) If you’re a young person wanting to join one of those weird UFO cults so that you can find purpose in life, achieve inner piece, and perhaps meet likeminded people devoted to spirituality, be sure you don’t end up becoming a sex toy for middle-aged men in the basement of a safe house in Cucamonga, California.
(17) Since cleanliness is next to godliness, I always wash down my sleeping pills with whiskey.
(18) If you think your house is haunted because you hear strange noises at night, lay off the apple cider for just one evening.
(19) The search for truth often leads through dead-end streets and blind alleyways, so discard your Chevy Suburban and get a moped.
(20) If another gentleman uses the urinal next to you, ease your anxiety by pretending you and your porcelain neighbor serve as Rear Admiral and Chief Petty Officer respectively on a U.S. battleship and you’re both peering out the bridge window looking for Japanese Zeros on the horizon.
(2) I’ve never made love to a manikin and have always lacked self-assurance; yet somehow I know this would be good.
(3) It’s not about agreeing with people, but accepting them for who they are and respecting those who might disagree with you; and I have found that the best way to accept and respect these people is to round them up systematically and place them in reeducation centers.
(4) I want not only the best of both worlds, but perhaps a third world too, provided that this third world is not codeword for penis, as in the expression third leg, which I happen to know is often a reference to the penis.
(5) I trust my fellow man completely, but, just in case, I carry a concealed firearm when I go camping, have a truncheon I call The Persuader strapped clandestinely to my shin, and keep a small stockpile of sharp objects under my car seat.
(6) One way to make the world a better place is not to assume yellow snow is lemonade slush.
(7) Finding the razor’s edge between dogmatism and skepticism is like taking a crap in the woods: be mindful of the dangers that lurk on all sides.
(8) Stamping out evil in the world starts with the gift of discernment and a machete.
(9) If you despise your Russian communist neighbor but wish to be cordial, tell him you’d like to give him a Stolypin necktie for his birthday and share a Molotov cocktail with him.
(10) If you love someone, you should tell this person how you feel, provided you’re not a priest directing those three magical words to a child as you’re coming out of the shower.
(11) War is never the answer, but it is the proper response to most of life’s problems.
(12) If I had a nickel for every person who gave me grief, I’d dump the large sacks of coins onto the floor of my cabin, smelt the metal alloy, and fashion a pistol to assuage my grieving heart.
(13) Pitching a tent is like erecting a monument; both take physical labor and make you wonder what’s really going on.
(14) I’ve never met a black or Jew I didn’t like, and I despise racists, with of course the exception of black and Jewish racists.
(15) My sorrows have not only learned to resist efforts at drowning them; they pull me toward the depths below, and only my hope for something above the heavens serves as ballast.
(16) If you’re a young person wanting to join one of those weird UFO cults so that you can find purpose in life, achieve inner piece, and perhaps meet likeminded people devoted to spirituality, be sure you don’t end up becoming a sex toy for middle-aged men in the basement of a safe house in Cucamonga, California.
(17) Since cleanliness is next to godliness, I always wash down my sleeping pills with whiskey.
(18) If you think your house is haunted because you hear strange noises at night, lay off the apple cider for just one evening.
(19) The search for truth often leads through dead-end streets and blind alleyways, so discard your Chevy Suburban and get a moped.
(20) If another gentleman uses the urinal next to you, ease your anxiety by pretending you and your porcelain neighbor serve as Rear Admiral and Chief Petty Officer respectively on a U.S. battleship and you’re both peering out the bridge window looking for Japanese Zeros on the horizon.
