Are you sick and tired of all the shysters and hucksters out there? Con men and quacks? Charlatans and false prophets? Infomercials and celebrity endorsements designed to manipulate you, exercise control over you, or separate you from your money? Self-help books and so-called motivational speakers making promises but never delivering? Mental health gurus not practicing what they preach? I’m sick of that shit, and you should be too. Such disgust with our egocentric, shallow, materialistic and profit-driven culture drove me to pen a book entitled Panacea: Der Viator’s Guide to Relationship Building, Romance Enhancement, Spiritual Growth, and Weight Control. It costs a token $29.95 and you can find it at your local Borders and Barnes & Noble.
Do you have a spiritual hunger inside? Do you yearn for something everlasting and unconditional? I know you do, and I feel your pain. You just want someone to give you direction and meaning to your life. You need some kind of moral compass to keep you on the right track. Even in our increasingly secular and agnostic culture, we’re looking for something bigger than ourselves to believe in. Conservatives and Republicans look for solace in their evangelical faith; progressives and Democrats seek community in their Unitarian and liberal Methodist churches. Somehow the bogus and discredited New Age movement of the Eighties has come back in a different guise in recent years. One thinks of Deepak Chopra’s success or the popular book and film The Secret. Tony Robbins has managed to enjoyed longevity in the positive-thinking industry; his message and techniques have changed over the years but his ability to take in a lot of money remains the same. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. Don’t buy into this garbage. This pseudo-spiritual advice combines three things: (1) gobbledygook; (2) common sense that any biped mammal could come up with; (3) unadulterated drivel; and (4) pure shit.
Did I mention I have a new book called Panacea? You’ll find your answers therein. It’s legit. First of all, you’ll find my book on one of those tables near the entrance to Borders. Secondly, PhD is printed next to my name on the cover. (It doesn’t matter whether I have expertise on anything I discuss inside the book, but that I have a PhD, okay?) I pad the book with nifty quotations from Ralph Waldo Emerson to Oprah. The inside sleeve contains my impressive bio, which I carefully crafted myself. The core of Panacea, however, is the two pages in which I provide you with basic insights on how to live a more fulfilling life.
Part of the journey I shall take you on involves a rejection of the usual advice you get in conventional self-help books. For instance, miscommunication is the key to any relationship. Anybody will stick around if he or she understands what you’re saying. What’s so great about that? Another falsehood out there is the idea that you need to love yourself before you can love others. What the hell? Yeah, like humans really need to learn how to love themselves because such self-love isn’t a part of our hardwiring! (By the way, I'm using sarcasm, a nice coping mechanism, to which I devote a chapter in my book.) I suppose the only people who really have a problem with loving themselves, arguably, are those who commit suicide, but even suicide is 95% of the time an act of selfishness. What do I have to say about weight loss? Here’s just one tip you’ll find in the book: When you bring the groceries home, urinate on half of them. You won’t want to eat that crap now. (Preferably piss on the Doritos and Oreo Cookies and Cream ice cream, not the fruit and vegetables.)
Yes, you can live a more fulfilling life. Now go get the book before your local bookstore runs out. And please don't share the book with anyone! If friends are interested, you should encourage them to purchase the book, otherwise you'd be enabling them. They need to seek their own destiny by taking the initiative, wallet in hand, and purchasing the book.
Part of the journey I shall take you on involves a rejection of the usual advice you get in conventional self-help books. For instance, miscommunication is the key to any relationship. Anybody will stick around if he or she understands what you’re saying. What’s so great about that? Another falsehood out there is the idea that you need to love yourself before you can love others. What the hell? Yeah, like humans really need to learn how to love themselves because such self-love isn’t a part of our hardwiring! (By the way, I'm using sarcasm, a nice coping mechanism, to which I devote a chapter in my book.) I suppose the only people who really have a problem with loving themselves, arguably, are those who commit suicide, but even suicide is 95% of the time an act of selfishness. What do I have to say about weight loss? Here’s just one tip you’ll find in the book: When you bring the groceries home, urinate on half of them. You won’t want to eat that crap now. (Preferably piss on the Doritos and Oreo Cookies and Cream ice cream, not the fruit and vegetables.)
Yes, you can live a more fulfilling life. Now go get the book before your local bookstore runs out. And please don't share the book with anyone! If friends are interested, you should encourage them to purchase the book, otherwise you'd be enabling them. They need to seek their own destiny by taking the initiative, wallet in hand, and purchasing the book.
