Many people ask me: “Hey, Der, how
do you do it? How do you cope and
maintain your patience, what with people, life, and all the rest of it?” After thanking them for these questions and feigning appreciation for their thoughts, I
explain that I operate on three levels: meditation, mediation, and medication. First, I find much spiritual solace and inner
peace through a series of meditations that I’ve developed from studying Buddhist
masters in the Himalayas. I couldn’t
afford a trip to India, so I rented a cabin in North Dakota. I read a few books about yoga that I picked
up in Fargo. I also learned to pray the
rosary from a Trappist monk. A quiet
time of introspection not only clears my mind of psychological and sociological
pollution, but it gives me strength to deal with the Homo sapiens on a daily
basis. Second, I mediate between the
desires of my heart and my social responsibilities in an ongoing process of
compromise and negotiation. This way I
keep my mind balanced and the savage impulses within me at bay. Lastly, and most of all, I medicate myself
with just about anything I can find on the market these days (and allegedly in
the black market as well). It’s not so
much about the drugs or alcohol as it is the impact they have on my physical
constitution. Someday I hope to write a
book about my triumphant journey toward healing and inner serenity, but I’ll
first need to sober up and go through detox.
