If the end of the world doesn’t happen today I’m gonna be pissed! You’ve heard about today, right? May 21st, Judgment Day, according to some Bible thumpers who apparently have a lot of time and money to spread the word through a massive advertisement campaign. At first I was skeptical. Come now! The end of days? The rapture? Tribulation? Now? I mean, I could understand if, say, Dutch artist Hieronymus Bosch, who lived during the Late Middle Ages and painted the image above, thought the world was going to hell in a handbasket; he witnessed a dark era of plague, chronic war, famine, and lack of central plumbing. Moreover, I was a bit taken aback that the major news networks are keeping this “story” on the front burner. I heard soldiers talking about it during my military drill one day and academic colleagues at the university ruminating on it the next. I would just shake my head. So why do I accept it now? Why am I a doomsday believer? Well, I guess it’s because I’m easily subject to peer pressure and fall into line when I’ve heard something often enough.
And why would I be pissed if this apocalypse does not come to pass? I emptied out my bank accounts, cashed my treasury bonds, and still went into debt in order to live high on the hog this past week. I’ve probably gained about 20 pounds gorging myself on filet mignon and pie in the finest restaurants and staying in penthouse suites at top-rated hotels. As in the days of Noah, I don't give a rat's ass about civility and decorum. I've brazenly picked my nose in public. I’ve told people what I really think. I stuck it to “the man” at work. I’ve stopped brushing my teeth. Why should I bother? Heck, I’ve dispensed with all niceties and pleasantries. No time for that crap. I don’t see fire and brimstone yet, but hopefully the Bema seat judgment is on its way this afternoon. Otherwise, I’ll go on in this life broke, woefully in debt, without a job, overweight, sober, syphilis-ridden, carless, and saddled with arrest warrants for public nudity and urination. After my indulgences this week, I won’t even afford a tube of toothpaste. O ye avenging angels, quickly descend upon us in your righteous wrath!